


Heart on my Foot

by outofthedormroom



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types, Carmilla - J. Sheridan Le Fanu
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/F, TW: cutting, soulmate scars, tw: self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-05-03 18:28:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5302205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outofthedormroom/pseuds/outofthedormroom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a universe where people scars form on their soulmates body; Carmilla's only scars are from self-harm. She has to figure out who and how to help her soulmate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart on my Foot

**Author's Note:**

> So major trigger warning for self-harm. The idea just kinda came to me and I rolled with it. I personal find writing stuff about things I've struggled with to be extremely cathartic. 
> 
> As per usual I'm sorry for any grammar issues. I did proof it a few times but between dyslexia and a 1 am finish; no promises of perfection.
> 
> tumblr - outofthedormintothefire

Carmilla was woken by a strange burning on her left arm. It wasn’t painful per se but it did wake the 15 year old from her normally deep sleep. Carmilla flipped on her bed side light and looked down at her arm. A thin white scar had appeared in the middle of the underside of her forearm. Carmilla had never been so excited and terrified. 

Carmilla had been waiting for a mark to form on her body since her mother had explained ‘soulmate scars’ to her. When she was about 7 her older sister Mattie, then 12, had gotten a long scar along her stomach, likely from an appendectomy. So her mother had sat Mattie, Carmilla, and her brothers Will and JP, twins, down. She told them that as they got older scars would form along their bodies from injuries their soulmates had endured. Not only would it make it easier to find their soulmates but they would understand their mate’s pain. 

This thin line running across her arm was the first scar to form. Everyone else Carmilla knew had multiple scars but her skin had been unmarked for so long she’s assumed she didn’t have a soulmate. Carmilla had always played it off; pretending she didn’t care and wanted to be alone but she’d longed for a scar to prove to herself she was lovable. The mark also scared Carmilla to her core because she knew this wasn’t a normal scar. It wasn’t from a fall or a surgery of some kind; no this scar was self-inflicted.

\----------------------

Carmilla had been able to go back to sleep that night. She just looked at her arm, running her finger over the scar. She hoped where ever her soulmate was she was alright. This was bad, really really bad. Carmilla sat at her kitchen table nursing a black coffee until her mother came downstairs for work around 6. 

“Now what is my darling daughter doing up so early?” She asked pouring herself a cup of coffee.  
“I got a scar last night.” Carmilla answered quietly. Her mother smiled.  
“Well isn’t that lovely. We can talk all about it once I get home from work.” She made her way to the door.  
“Maman I…it’s not.” Carmilla wasn’t sure what to say. Her mother signed.  
“Dear, make it very fast I have a meeting.” Carmilla could tell she had annoyed her but she didn’t know who else to speak to. She flipped her arm up and her mother’s expression changed from annoyance to concern. She dropped her bag and moved to hug Carmilla. This was very out of character. Maman wasn’t a bad parent just a cold one.   
“Darling, this is going to be very hard. This likely won’t be the last scar. Your soulmate is in a bad head space and he’s hurting himself. It’s a cutting mark. Now, I’m gonna call your school…”  
“She” Carmilla said cutting her mother off. “She’s hurting herself, I know what self-harm looks like.”   
“Well…she…needs help. So hopefully someone finds out and gets her help.” Her mother said gently. Carmilla wasn’t sure if she was numb or just too scared to experience what was happening. She had a soulmate, but her soulmate was…well something was wrong, and it was making her mother act like a lifetime character. She was already overwhelmed.  
“I’m going to let you skip school.” That wasn’t horrible. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do if you don’t who your soulmate is.” That was really horrible. Carmilla was a master of doing nothing but couldn’t help her soulmate, the woman she was meant to love forever, she was in pain and she couldn’t do anything. “Carmilla just take a day and relax. Try not to think about it; I’m going to call your school and do some research on my lunch break. I’m sure there are resources.” She gave Carmilla another awkward hug, grabbed her bag, and headed out the door. As she heard the door click she felt a burning sensation just above her scar; a new one was forming.   
\------ 

Carmilla had always had the biggest crush on Ell her oldest friend, she’d go so far as to say she was in love with Ell. Carmilla couldn’t help but endlessly flirt with her and hope that maybe she was her soulmate. She never had the courage to ask if Ell had a scar on back. Carmilla had been in a biking accident when she was 12 that had landed in the hospital. There would most likely be a knotted scar on her soulmate’s right shoulder. She was always hoping that Ell would wear a tank top, or anything, that would reveal her shoulder blade. Now all Carmilla wanted was to see her in short sleeves but Ell seemed to belong in different time. She dressed like a 19th century society lady, long elegant dresses, big hats, even going so far as carrying a small fancy umbrella to block the sun. Her style was strange but it was one of the things that drew Carmilla to her. 

She and Ell had tea ever Friday after school and this Friday was no different, other then the four thin scars on Carmilla’s arm.   
“We missed you at school yesterday.” Ell said pouring two cups of tea at Carmilla’s counter. “Will said you were faking sick.”   
“I just needed a personal day.” Carmilla said accepting a mug from Ell. “Ell,” Carmilla started “can I ask you something really personal?” Ell looked up from the sugar cubs she was about to add to her tea.   
“Sure, everything already?”  
“Yeah, do you have any scars?” Ell blushed red. Talking about scars was a deeply personal thing and rarely happen in polite company but the past 48 hours Carmilla had been filled with panic. She had to find and help her soulmate get help.   
“A few. Why?” Ell asked not looking at Carmilla.   
“I just…what are they?” Carmilla didn’t how or if she could asked Ell.  
“All over my knees and elbows. Papa thinks my soulmate is an athlete of some kind. You played soccer for a very long time, right?” Ell was looking at her now with questions and something else in her eyes.  
“Anything on your back?”   
“No…” Carmilla wasn’t sure if relief, heart break, or increased fear was dominate. “Carmilla why are you asking me this? Do you have any? Many one over your heart? I had a heart surgery when I was younger.” She took Carmilla’s hand. “I rarely speak of it but if you do…I mean I wouldn’t be surprised, I’ve always really admired you.” Carmilla was frozen. She felt an impulse to lean forward and kiss Ell; letting all her long held feelings for Ell pour out. But knowing Ell, she couldn’t led Ell on and make her think they were soulmates. Carmilla pulled her hand from Ell’s.   
“Doll face, I’d love nothing more then to be your soulmate. You fascinate me but we aren’t soulmates. I’m sorry I wish you were for so many selfish reasons.” Ell’s face fell; she turned her head and Carmilla knew Ell well enough to know she was trying not to cry.   
“Why now?” Ell asked. “We’ve never talked about this before. Why now?”  
“I never had a scar for nearly my whole life; then at like 2 am I woke up with a scar…they’re self-inflected.” Ell finally looked at her.  
“You thought I’d do that to myself?” They was a hint of angry in Ell’s voice; which spark something protective in Carmilla.  
“I don’t know, you’re so important to me and I thought maybe you were my soulmate long before the other night. If it was you I wanted to help you and since it’s not I need to find her and get her help.”   
“I’m not broken, I’d never harm myself.”  
“She isn’t broken!” Carmilla was angry now. “She’s sick and needs help. I have to find her.” Ell just rolled her eyes.  
“Whoever she is she isn’t worthy of you. She not just hurting herself. It’s very selfish.”   
“I don’t want to fight with you. I’m gonna go home, I’m sorry this didn’t go the way you wanted.”   
\----

It had been six months since the first scar had appeared. There would be weeks where no new scars would form but then there were bad days when multiple would develop. It was mainly her left arm but others would were popping up on the right and on her thighs. 

 

After the first one had appear her mother had reached out to dozens of soulmate search services, mental health groups, and even chat forums trying to find out what to do. Carmilla was far from the first person to wear their soulmate’s mental illness and traumas but there was no way to find or help her, whoever she was, without a led on her identity. 

Her mother had become a lot warmer and involved with Carmilla. All her teachers knew and let her get away with a lot more. She’d come in late and rarely turn in homework but they seemed to pity her and didn’t let her grades suffer. Even Will her trouble maker of a brother wasn’t teasing her or pulling his usual teenage boy pranks. Carmilla wanted everything to just go back to normal. The attention would have been nice if it wasn’t brought on by her soulmate hurting herself.   
\----

It was the night of Carmilla’s 16th birthday when she felt the all too familiar burning but it was very close to the collection of veins on the end of her wrists. It was just a dash at one end of her left wrist, not deadly but too close. Carmilla became dizzy with fear for someone she didn’t even know but still loved. For far too long she felt pinned down; only getting up to vomit in the bathroom. She didn’t know what to do and had no way to communicate with her soulmate. She brush her teeth and felt the burning start to pull across her arm. Panic set in again when she noticed her own razor blade sitting next to the sink. 

Carmilla didn’t know what took over her but with speed she remove a single blade and looked at it. She’d never self-harm. She was self-destructive but mainly with being so rude no one wanted to be her friend and stealing her mother’s liquor from time to time but her body was her only way to get a message out there. Carmilla sat on the ground pulling her sock off and started to crave a heart into her foot. It was stupid, she knew, and hurt like hell but it was all she could do. 

Tears were streaming down her face, Carmilla felt glued to the ground, when her mother found her less than an hour later. She couldn’t move or speak while her mother cleaned and dressed her foot.   
“Carmilla you must promise never to do this ever again.”   
“I think she killed herself.” Carmilla weakly offered her arm to her mother. The new scar stretched across her left wrist. The sadness in her mother’s eyes caused a fresh wave of tears.   
“Carmilla, let’s get you to bed and tomorrow we’re going to the doctor’s. They’ll look at your foot and the new scar. It might not be deep enough to be deadly.” Her mother helped her up and put her to bed. Carmilla couldn’t sleep, just cry. Her brother JP came into check on her later that evening.   
“I wasn’t sure if you were asleep or not; but, um, I have cake. Red velvet your favorite. Happy birthday!” He gentle placed a plate on her bedside table before exiting the room. Carmilla just rolled over away from the cake that was supposed to celebrate life.  
\-----

Carmilla was coming up on 21st birthday. It had been 5 years since her not so sweet 16th and she hasn’t celebrated the day since then. She had gone to the doctor the next day to ensure her foot wouldn’t become infect and had been comforted by him. He’d told her the scar looked like the cut hadn’t been deep at all and more likely than not hadn’t been life threatening. Her scar had even faded, most of the others hadn’t. Still Carmilla was scared because no new scar had appear not one from self-harm or otherwise. Carmilla stopped wearing short sleeves. She tried hard most days not to think about her soulmate; she could be anywhere in the world. Hopefully, she had gotten the help she needed and was alive and happy; Carmilla could let herself think of the alternative. 

She’d been living in Toronto as a PR rep for a few indie rock bands while considering going to grad school. JP had come to live with her over his gap year before he started working for his undergraduate degree. JP loved to celebrate things, especially birthdays, he called them traditions but Carmilla call them annoying. He’d convince Carmilla to go to some lesbian bar for ‘at least one drink.’ Somehow that one drink turned into half a dozen and she was drunkenly grinding with a cute tiny gal with beautiful golden brown hair. 

After a few more rounds Carmilla felt just the right level confidence to ask.

“Cutie, why don’t we go back to my place?” The girl laugh, not in a rejection way but a flirty one that made Carmilla’s stomach turn.   
“I don’t do one night stands.” The girl said into Carmilla’s ear wrapping her arm’s around Carmilla’s waist and pulling her in closer. “But I’d love to give you my number and maybe you’ll give me a ring for a proper date.” Normally this kind of comment would make Carmilla roll her eyes and move to the next girl but there was something in her smile or warm eyes that captures Carmilla’s attention.   
“Come on cutie! It’s my birthday.”   
“Well in that case…” The girl move her hands to Carmilla’s neck and pulled her down for a long, slow, hot, earth shattering, life changing kiss. While Carmilla was distracted by the girl’s tongue in her mouth she slipped a business card into back pocket Carmilla’s leather pants. “Call me.” She said pulling back and heading for the door with a wave.   
\-----  
The next morning with a minor hangover; Carmilla pulled the business card from her discarded leather pants. ‘Laura Hollis: Lifestyle and Mental Health Vlogger’ there were a couple URLs and a phone number. Carmilla was a 100 percent of what a vlogger was but JP was all about the new media nonsense.   
“JP,” She yelled “I need your help!”  
“Now Carmilla, surely you are old enough to know how to treat a hangover without calling on the aid of you younger brother to wait on you hand and foot.” JP proclaimed making his way into her room with a glass of water and two painkillers.  
“Blah blah blah” She said popping pills and downing the water. “I need you to read this and tell me what her job means.” She demanded handing over the business card.  
“Oh Laura Hollis! She’s very popular. She does a video blog where she talks to a camera and people watch on youtube. You work in PR how do you not know this? She talks a lot about depression, self-harm, healthy living. Her videos are rather moving.” Carmilla nodded thinking about how pulled she’s been to the girl…could she be…Carmilla shook the thought from her mind and got up to make a breakfast sandwich, the perfect hangover cure.   
\-----

Later that day the newly 21 year old Carmilla googled the name ‘Laura Hollis’ and started watching her videos. JP was right they were really powerful. Laura spoke candidly about being in recovery from self-harm and how to take care of one’s self. Carmilla felt like she was getting to know the girl rather intimately just from her vlogs. She spoke about how the death of her mother triggered depression which led to cutting, how she still struggled with the impulses but how she found a reason to keep going every day; ‘from chocolate chip cookies to a really good jog’ she’d said in one video. There was the nagging feeling that maybe, just maybe, she could be the girl she was looking for. It would be too much to give into that hope and call her demanding a detailed map of her body’s marks. Asking about scars after one drunken dance floor make out was not a good idea.

She was about to text Laura a simple ‘sup, this Carmilla from the bar.’ Then Laura’s youtube page refreshed with a new video had just been uploaded; entitled ‘Five Years Free of Self-Harm//An Open Letter to My Soulmate.’ Carmilla clicked on it without thinking; the nagging thought turning into a tidal wave of hope. 

“Hello faithful viewers! So I know I talk about some dark stuff in kinda of a tongue and cheek way but today we’re gonna get really real; I wanna offer a trigger warn for both discussion and images of self-harm.” Carmilla’s heart rate started to speed up. “Five years yesterday was my last self-harm. I self-harm for six month which compared to many is just a second but for me these months of self-destruction defined me and shaped who I am today.” The on screen Laura took a shaky breathe. “Harder to talk about then I thought. Um, five years ago yesterday I decided to take my own life by cutting my wrists. I was so numb to reality to all the love around me. It’s very strange because we don’t carry our own scars but our soulmates do. So I never really saw the damage I was doing to myself once the cuts closed.” Carmilla’s felt bile rise up as memories of her 16th birthday began to surface. 

“So I start to do,” Laura couldn’t say it so she kinda just gestured “you know. I couldn’t bring myself to do it in one motion. I stopped half way across and started again. Once I had done one I went to the other but then I felt my foot starting to burn. I looked down and I saw a new scar in the shape of a heart.” With that Laura pulled off her sock to reveal a shakily cut heart on the top of her foot. “It pulled me together in an instant and I screamed for my dad. Who y’all know is overprotective papa bear. He took me to a hospital and got me help.” There was clearly an editing cut because Laura was sitting slightly to the left of where she had been. Her eyes all puffy. 

“I wanted to thank my soulmate whenever she is and said I’m sorry I’m so selfish. I knew existed from the scar on my back. I still hurt myself knowing it’d mark up your body, I knowing changed your body. We’ve never met and I’ve alright betray our bond and you’ve already saved my life. You’re kinda my hero and I have no idea what your name is. I just want to say sorry and if we ever do meet I’ll make it up to you. I can promise you I’m proactively taking care of my health and I’ll make lots of great cookies.” Carmilla was crying; she hadn’t cry since that night but this was a big moment. She’d found her soulmate, who was alive, okay, and Carmilla had her number but no idea what to say. A text would not do; so Carmilla took a deep breathe and call her soulmate on the photo for the first time.  
\-----

Carmilla had gotten herself together well enough to ask Laura out on a coffee date. She hadn’t brought up the fact that Laura was her soulmate on the phone because what would she said. “Hey want a soy latte and a lifetime together?”

Carmilla greet Laura with a friendly hug. They ordered coffee, well Laura got a hot chocolate, and sat down. Carmilla couldn’t stop smiling as Laura rambled on about everything and nothing. After about an hour of flirty small talk Laura took a deep breathe.   
“So Carm I’ve been rattling on. Tell me about you!”  
“Carm? Kinda early for nicknames for cupcake.” Carmilla said with an eyebrow wiggle.  
“I have a feeling you can’t remember my name since you’ve only called me sugary treats not that I’m complaining.”   
“You’re Laura Hollis or should I call you Laura2theletter?” Laura’s face fell a little.  
“Oh you know me from the interwebs…” She seemed a little put off “I don’t date fans.”  
“Oh no no, I’m not a fan.” Whoops not the right thing to say. “Not that your videos aren’t awesome. I just looked you up from your card. I know nothing about the internet at all.”   
“Ha…maybe I shouldn’t hand out my business cards to cute girls in bars.” Laura said still a little on guard.   
“God so I’ve alright made this insanely awkward so I’m just gonna make it a million times worst.” Carmilla decide she just had to go for it. “We’re soulmates.” Laura didn’t really react. She just started packing up her things.  
“What are you doing?” Carmilla asked feeling a little hurt after her declaration.  
“I’m leaving.”  
“Why?”  
“Because I get hundreds of whack jobs like you claiming to be my soulmate every single day. Thousands since I posted an open letter to my real soulmate last night.” Carmilla wasn’t sure what to say but of course people most be head over heels for Laura just from watching her videos. “I will said you’ve pulled me along the furthest. Finding me at a bar, getting me have coffee, and you’re too hot for words but you’re just another crazy stalker like my dad said I would get. But that’s my reward for being a semi famous youtube personality.” She was standing up more talking to herself then to Carmilla.   
“Please don’t go.” Carmilla felt on the verge of tears, twice in one day she was going soft. “I’m not lying. I cut the heart on my 16th birthday and I thought I was too late because there weren’t any new scars. I thought I let you die then I just happen to kiss some girl at a bar. Who happens to have posted a video about the other side of a story about the worst night of my life. I’m not stalking you; it’s real, I’m real.” Laura wasn’t listening, she was half way out the door. Carmilla ran after her. Before she got to the door Carmilla step in front of her while pulling off her jacket revealing an arm.

Laura was frozen. 

“This one appeared first,” Carmilla pointed to one of many scars in the middle of her left arm. “One Wednesday night, well more like Thursday morning, a burning feeling woke me up and there it was.” Laura didn’t try to move. “There was another that morning as I was having breakfast. There was a few new ones for days. There were weeks with none but others where there…a lot.” Laura’s eyes seemed to piece her soul. “I’m not…I’m not lying.”   
Laura took Carmilla’s arm and lightly touched the scars that covered her forearm. 

“I’m sorry.” She whispered.   
“Don’t be.”  
Then, just like in the club the night before, Laura pulled Carmilla into a kiss that might have been a little too intense for being in public.


End file.
